Reframing Challenging Behaviours
From “Difficult” to “Different”: How Shifting Our Mindset Can Make a Big Difference in Managing Autism-Related Behaviours
As parents, we’ve all been there—the meltdown in the grocery store, the outburst at a family gathering, or the refusal to go somewhere because the world just feels too overwhelming. It’s easy to feel defeated in those moments. It’s natural to look at those behaviours and think, “Here we go again, why is this so hard?” But what if I told you that those behaviours don’t have to be “bad” or “wrong,” and that, as tough as it can be, there’s a way to see them differently? There’s actually a lot of power in how we change our perspective—and the beauty is that once we change it, we can show up for our kids in those difficult moments in a whole new way.
The Problem With The “Challenging Behaviour” Narrative
It’s so easy to fall into the trap of labelling our child’s behaviours as “bad” or “difficult.” After all, when we’re exhausted, overwhelmed, or just plain drained, it can feel like we’re dealing with a never-ending stream of chaos. And when it feels like every day brings a new challenge, it’s easy to start believing that’s just who our child is—that they’re “difficult” or “challenging.”
But here’s the thing: those behaviours are often a form of communication. They’re not about being “bad” or misbehaving-they’re about our kids expressing that something isn’t working for them. Whether it’s too much noise, too many people, an unfamiliar place, or something else entirely, our kids are showing us that they’re struggling, and they need our support.
Changing the Story: From “Difficult” to “Different”
We’ve all had that moment when we’re out in public, and we see the judgmental glances or hear the whispers. It’s tough, right? When our kids are visibly struggling, it can feel like the whole world is watching—and maybe even judging—our every move. But what if we stopped seeing those behaviours as something that needs to be fixed, and instead, viewed them as an opportunity to support our kids in a world that’s often too much for them?
When we change the narrative from “my child is difficult” to “my child is overwhelmed and needs support,” we open up a whole new way of thinking. Instead of getting frustrated or anxious ourselves, we can focus on how we can help them find comfort and safety in that moment.
Reframing the Situation: Support, Not Control
The next time you’re in a situation where your child is having a tough time—whether that’s a crowded restaurant, a family gathering, or even just a trip to the car—try to reframe what’s happening. Instead of thinking, “Why can’t they just calm down?” think,
“What is my child telling me right now?”
Are they overstimulated?
Is the environment too much for them?
Are they anxious or scared?
The behaviour you see might not be “bad”—it might be their way of telling you they need support.
This is where the real power of perspective comes in. When you can start to see their behaviour as a form of communication, it changes everything. Instead of reacting with frustration, you can respond with empathy. You can step in and help them through the situation, whether that means offering a break, taking them somewhere quieter, or just letting them know you’re there to support them.
Supportive Strategies for Parents: How to Show Up for Your Child
Step Back and Breathe: When things feel overwhelming, take a moment to centre yourself. A deep breath or a quick pause can help you shift from reacting out of frustration to responding with calm and support.
Change the Environment: If you’re out and about and your child starts to struggle, see if you can adjust the environment. Can you find a quieter place? Can you remove some of the stimuli that are causing distress? This can give your child the space they need to regulate themselves.
Validate Their Experience: Sometimes, all your child needs is to feel heard. Acknowledge their feelings, even if you don’t fully understand them. Something as simple as, “I know this is really hard for you right now” can make a huge difference.
Stay Consistent: Kids with autism thrive on routine and predictability. If you know certain environments or situations trigger anxiety, plan ahead to help them feel more prepared. Visual schedules, social stories, or even a comfort object can make a big difference in helping them feel more at ease.
Be Kind to Yourself: Parenting is hard, and it’s even harder when you’re constantly navigating tricky moments. Cut yourself some slack. You’re doing your best, and that’s more than enough.
The Power of Perspective
When we shift our perspective—when we start to see the behaviours not as “difficult” but as opportunities for connection and support—it changes everything. We stop feeling like we’re fighting against our child and start working with them, side by side. And the truth is, they feel that shift too. They’ll feel safer, supported, and understood, and that can make all the difference in how they handle difficult situations.
Yes, it’s tough in the moment. Yes, it’s exhausting and frustrating, especially when the world around you doesn’t understand. But remember: you’re not alone. By changing the way we think about our kids’ behaviours, we change the way we show up for them—and that’s the first step toward a more peaceful, supportive relationship.
Parenting a child with autism is a journey, and like any journey, it has its ups and downs. But when we can embrace the differences, support our kids through the tough moments, and let go of the negative narrative, we can help them reach their full potential. And in turn, we’ll see our own potential for growth, patience, and understanding.
You’ve got this. Keep going, and remember, you’re doing an amazing job!